(no subject)
Aug. 6th, 2002 02:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
enteleinOK, this happens.
But I am going through some old cards and letters from when I was a bright-eyed teenager, and not only did I find the letters from my aunt and my cousin begging me to be a debutante at the White & Red ball (which I never did do, on account of being involved in so many choirs and plays and things), but other cards, other short letters from relatives, poking at me for being so involved in school, wondering when I was coming to visit, etc.
Was I just an asshole or something? Was I so obviously snubbing my bloodkin just so I could tap my troubles away on stage for an adoring audience? I don't remember it that way at all, but the way these cards read, I am getting angry, upset, that adults would tell a kid who was just beginning to find her own that she was being neglectful of some duty or something.
Who does that? I just get this sinking feeling that perhaps I've always been viewed as some selfish, conceited kid with no respect or love for her family, when often, those plays and concerts and writing contests and projects were my way of surviving, of feeling like I had self-worth.
Wow, what the fuck. I mean, more fool me for going through these old things and dredging up all this shit, but it's making me feel really sad. Why the guilt trips, people?
I hope to never make a nephew or niece or cousin or whoever feel guilty for doing the things they love. High school only happens once, you know, and I am apparently one of the odd ones who loved those four crazy years. I threw myself into my life wholeheartedly, even when I was being a chicken about things. How could anyone begrudge me that?
I didn't drink in high school, I didn't do drugs, I never ran away from home, I never destroyed property or wore really crazy clothes or said awful evil things to my mother ...
But these letters, these cards, with their hints and admonitions for me to be better than that.
Wow, fuck that.
I am beginning to understand where my remaining self-doubts came from.
But I am going through some old cards and letters from when I was a bright-eyed teenager, and not only did I find the letters from my aunt and my cousin begging me to be a debutante at the White & Red ball (which I never did do, on account of being involved in so many choirs and plays and things), but other cards, other short letters from relatives, poking at me for being so involved in school, wondering when I was coming to visit, etc.
Was I just an asshole or something? Was I so obviously snubbing my bloodkin just so I could tap my troubles away on stage for an adoring audience? I don't remember it that way at all, but the way these cards read, I am getting angry, upset, that adults would tell a kid who was just beginning to find her own that she was being neglectful of some duty or something.
Who does that? I just get this sinking feeling that perhaps I've always been viewed as some selfish, conceited kid with no respect or love for her family, when often, those plays and concerts and writing contests and projects were my way of surviving, of feeling like I had self-worth.
Wow, what the fuck. I mean, more fool me for going through these old things and dredging up all this shit, but it's making me feel really sad. Why the guilt trips, people?
I hope to never make a nephew or niece or cousin or whoever feel guilty for doing the things they love. High school only happens once, you know, and I am apparently one of the odd ones who loved those four crazy years. I threw myself into my life wholeheartedly, even when I was being a chicken about things. How could anyone begrudge me that?
I didn't drink in high school, I didn't do drugs, I never ran away from home, I never destroyed property or wore really crazy clothes or said awful evil things to my mother ...
But these letters, these cards, with their hints and admonitions for me to be better than that.
Wow, fuck that.
I am beginning to understand where my remaining self-doubts came from.
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no subject
Date: 2002-08-06 03:49 pm (UTC)I was told this when I was ten years old. Who the fuck lays that on a ten-year-old?