(no subject)

[entelein]

OK, this happens.

But I am going through some old cards and letters from when I was a bright-eyed teenager, and not only did I find the letters from my aunt and my cousin begging me to be a debutante at the White & Red ball (which I never did do, on account of being involved in so many choirs and plays and things), but other cards, other short letters from relatives, poking at me for being so involved in school, wondering when I was coming to visit, etc.

Was I just an asshole or something? Was I so obviously snubbing my bloodkin just so I could tap my troubles away on stage for an adoring audience? I don't remember it that way at all, but the way these cards read, I am getting angry, upset, that adults would tell a kid who was just beginning to find her own that she was being neglectful of some duty or something.

Who does that? I just get this sinking feeling that perhaps I've always been viewed as some selfish, conceited kid with no respect or love for her family, when often, those plays and concerts and writing contests and projects were my way of surviving, of feeling like I had self-worth.

Wow, what the fuck. I mean, more fool me for going through these old things and dredging up all this shit, but it's making me feel really sad. Why the guilt trips, people?

I hope to never make a nephew or niece or cousin or whoever feel guilty for doing the things they love. High school only happens once, you know, and I am apparently one of the odd ones who loved those four crazy years. I threw myself into my life wholeheartedly, even when I was being a chicken about things. How could anyone begrudge me that?

I didn't drink in high school, I didn't do drugs, I never ran away from home, I never destroyed property or wore really crazy clothes or said awful evil things to my mother ...

But these letters, these cards, with their hints and admonitions for me to be better than that.

Wow, fuck that.

I am beginning to understand where my remaining self-doubts came from.

Comments

[sistawendy.livejournal.com]

Fuck that, indeed. I was lucky (?) enough to live many hundreds of miles from the nearest aunts, uncles, or cousins. Maybe my parents made it so to spare all of us, including them, precisely the heartache you're describing (among many others). My parents certainly didn't dream of getting in the way of my high school activities. I gather that yours didn't either. There's a message in that.

[aldon.livejournal.com]

Heh. Don't worry about it. We still view you as some selfish, conceited kid, but that's what we love about you.

[firesign3000.livejournal.com]

get back on the floor, you idiot.

[rhyana.livejournal.com]

Hey, at least your relatives didn't guilt trip you into thinking your entire life will revolve around a cousin who has cerebal palsy, and who you will be required to take care of in the event of her mother's death.

I was told this when I was ten years old. Who the fuck lays that on a ten-year-old?

[p7a77.livejournal.com]

Fuck. I have a lot of problems with the way I was brought up, but one good thing was that I was encouraged (or at least allowed) to do my own things. I don't think I got more than the standard pestering from grandma. But I was never really that friendly with 'em in the first place, so maybe that's it. Anyway, fuck 'em. Fuck the lot of 'em.

[(Anonymous)]

Sorry to be the lone voice of dissent here, but I think we DO have some level of responsibility to our kin over ourselves. (This from an awoved misanthrope, so take it all with the requisite grain of salt.) I see our generation turning into another baby-boomlet cliche "Me Generation Jr." where self-expression and "personal growth" and all the other Oprah-izations get elevated to the level of gospel, which contributes to the deterioration of our engagement in, and sense of belonging to, a larger familial unit which is an excellent training ground for our relationship to our larger society. If we can't watch out for the needs of our own families, how the hell are we to be expected to behave toward strangers, or to sustain the social safety-net for the less-fortunate that our culture, for better or for worse, has developed and now relies on?

All of which is a long way of saying that I really don't think that foregoing the usual opportunities for "personal growth" in favor of spending time with the fam is necessarily always a bad thing. Besides, I would be so BORED if I didn't find something to disagree with Krystyn about on a daily basis. (It's because I respect her so much. Really. :D)

The foregoing sociological faux-theorizing and talking-out-of-ass-itude has been brought to you by Ozy Industries, Inc. "Making the world a more co-dependent place to be!"(TM)

[entelein.livejournal.com]

My original 'rant,' as it were, was poorly-formed and just a reaction to
this general feeling I got from a couple letters and a few cards. I agree
with you more than you think - see, I was a good kid, and I
did attend all manner of family events, and I did make an effort to
hang out when I could for holidays.

What bothers me is that I have had to defend my forms of recreation
to the teeth over all these many years. I have found that it's much easier
for an adult to tell someone that it's "just a play," or "just a speech team
tournament," than it is to say, "Oh, you can miss that State Swimming
competition," or "It's only a Regional soccer game." Somehow theatre was something that was very easy for most adults in my life to dismiss. More academic pursuits, or the aforementioned sports? Nearly sacred to them, in my experience. Soccer games are meant to be attended, whereas my performance in Larry Shue's The Foreigner is met with, "Oh, I couldn't get a babysitter."

There's a double standard that's been applied to what I do (generally), and it's very very frustrating. Especially since I went the extra mile as a kid to help keep my mom together after the divorce, to keep both my mom and my brother laughing when we were feeling really poor and worn thin by life stuff.

I am still defending myself, to this day. Justifying what it is that I like to do, and would like to make a living at. I can't tell you how many times I've been told to maybe try teaching. I don't want to teach! Why tell me that? Hey you, Ozy, why don't you go become a television repairman? Oh, what? You like what you do?

That, and the fact that nearly every single birthday card I found from my dad (and from my mom, and also from assorted other people) makes some sort of joke about how I'm a girl with a messy bedroom (requisite illustration of silly, pretty cartoon girl amidst a tornado of teen magazines, hair curlers, makeup, bottle of nail polish, stuffed animals, and piles of trendy clothes and shoes) -- well, it makes for one cranky woman, let me tell you.

This is still not really coming out right, because you know, as well as I do, that perception is reality. In a lot of ways, I just don't give a shit any more what people do or do not do in regards to supporting me in my endeavors. But when I look back and I see the trend started wayyyyy back like that, it pisses me off. In your model of society, I rank pretty highly. I am well-socialized and attuned to working for the greater good of a familial unit.

Besides, you shouldn't be so self-deprecating and self-defeating at the ends of your rebuttals. Say what you mean, an' say it mean. You're not really talking out of your ass. What you say makes sense; it just doesn't really apply to me.

[(Anonymous)]

Word.

And the self-deprecating thing is all a front, really. My true, unleashed ego knows no bounds, I assure you. :D

[xaviermusketeer.livejournal.com]

And here I read your post and was thinking, "Gee, how nice of your relatives to care so much that they knew what you were involved in and actually wanted you to visit!"

Different perspectives! :)

[entelein.livejournal.com]

That was just the dose of perspective I needed, of course. Thanks for pointing it out, seriously.

I can't even whine well, it seems! ;)

[(Anonymous)]

Americans are obsessed with sports. Athletes are exalted and artists are denigrated. I think this can be traced back to a poor diet, namely, the excessive consumption of anus seeds.