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Jul. 15th, 2003 11:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
enteleinI've been cooking so much more lately. I've become more tactile. I've taken to running my hands over things, feeling a bit more grounded, present, etc. If I were any floofier, my chakras would be aligned or something. There's just a nice solidity to the world that's not seen through a filter of avoidance, I guess. On sunny mornings, plenty of light filters into the living room and kitchen, and there's this glowy cast over everything. It's damned chipper and cheery, and I am just able to stand it. It is one part of the day where the kids in the 'hood aren't screaming, and the bangers aren't whistling and bird-calling and hooting to each other, and cruising in their rides up and down the street a million times. It's blessedly quiet, but for the hiss of early morning traffic, and some city birds. I'm still pretending to be a morning person, so I can at least enjoy some of this peace and simplicity.
Last night the thunder rolled and boomed, and I could never wake up completely to enjoy it because I once again stayed up too late and was too over-tired to drink in the bright flat white flashes in early morning grey gloom, the crashes that never faded, but kept rolling and knocking and crashing. The gods were bowling strikes all morning, a drama of noise, a symphony that played into my dreams. All of my windows and doors were open in my dream house, and nightmare men were trying to come in and take things, held my arms and pressed fingers into skin until they bruised. In another part of the dream, I begged a doctor to help me relax, and I cited my worn-down teeth, my tired eyes, my breathing, the tension in my legs as I sit on the bus and try not to inconvenience anyone else with my existence. I woke up in an anxious fury, the same sort of quiet blue thrumming anxiety I felt last Friday night.
My life is so good, right? Why the tension?
Money worries, I guess. It's sink or swim time. When Scott and I broke up, I did it with the knowledge that things would be ... financially scarce for some time, but I find myself waiting with a little less patience each day for the paycheck that comes in that doesn't get itself spent on bills and on catching up. Some breathing room would be nice, but it'll just take time. Time, time, time.
Last night the thunder rolled and boomed, and I could never wake up completely to enjoy it because I once again stayed up too late and was too over-tired to drink in the bright flat white flashes in early morning grey gloom, the crashes that never faded, but kept rolling and knocking and crashing. The gods were bowling strikes all morning, a drama of noise, a symphony that played into my dreams. All of my windows and doors were open in my dream house, and nightmare men were trying to come in and take things, held my arms and pressed fingers into skin until they bruised. In another part of the dream, I begged a doctor to help me relax, and I cited my worn-down teeth, my tired eyes, my breathing, the tension in my legs as I sit on the bus and try not to inconvenience anyone else with my existence. I woke up in an anxious fury, the same sort of quiet blue thrumming anxiety I felt last Friday night.
My life is so good, right? Why the tension?
Money worries, I guess. It's sink or swim time. When Scott and I broke up, I did it with the knowledge that things would be ... financially scarce for some time, but I find myself waiting with a little less patience each day for the paycheck that comes in that doesn't get itself spent on bills and on catching up. Some breathing room would be nice, but it'll just take time. Time, time, time.
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Date: 2003-07-16 09:56 pm (UTC)I am Deb from Canada...(near Toronto) I like A-ha and I added you to my friendsl ist . (About same age...etc.)
I'm new to LJ so add me if you would like to your friends list.
Take care,
Deb