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enteleinMy head's muzzy.
I finally lost it last night. For four days I've been lost in a dream world of insomnia, which is probably my body and my mind telling me to slow the fuck down, stop doing so much all at once. It's been 10 hour days in front of the computer, switching windows, writing and fixing and images and editing and filtering and correcting and spell-checking and trying to put my head into the mindset of characters and trying to write like I know I can write, and feeling a deadpan calm, a silence so staggering when my mind clicks and I cannot write. The words don't come, everything is shit. I am worn out.
Last night Scott came back from a 4 or 5 day business trip, and he was tired from driving, and I was tired, driving, and as I told him about my week, I surprised myself and alarmed him by breaking down into tears. Sobs wracking me, really hot fast tears coursing down my cheeks, blurring the street, the lights refracting into green and red drizzles, go, stop.
I stopped crying after only a minute or so. It was strange and I almost laughed and apologized to Scott. It's not as if I've been feeling all that sad, and really, if anything, I've been hepped up on adrenaline and purpose, getting some stuff done, trying to make things looks pretty, but I pushed myself a little too hard without a break.
It was good to have Scott home, though, to have him come into the office after some dinner and feeling his arms go around me, warm and secure, giving me a much-needed pause from furious typing and problem-solving.
I am worn. Up until 4 again, slept until 11:30 AM, exhausted, sore, bright light in the windows, not enough. Not enough.
I made fudge last night. That felt like a nice accomplishment, especially considering as how it had nothing to do with the computer or the internet.
Lunch today was a cup of jasmine rice, boiled soft, but not too soft (just, not al dente. hate rice that's al dente), a can of tuna dumped over it, soy sauce as a flavoring. It's simple Poor Food, but it's good.
I finally lost it last night. For four days I've been lost in a dream world of insomnia, which is probably my body and my mind telling me to slow the fuck down, stop doing so much all at once. It's been 10 hour days in front of the computer, switching windows, writing and fixing and images and editing and filtering and correcting and spell-checking and trying to put my head into the mindset of characters and trying to write like I know I can write, and feeling a deadpan calm, a silence so staggering when my mind clicks and I cannot write. The words don't come, everything is shit. I am worn out.
Last night Scott came back from a 4 or 5 day business trip, and he was tired from driving, and I was tired, driving, and as I told him about my week, I surprised myself and alarmed him by breaking down into tears. Sobs wracking me, really hot fast tears coursing down my cheeks, blurring the street, the lights refracting into green and red drizzles, go, stop.
I stopped crying after only a minute or so. It was strange and I almost laughed and apologized to Scott. It's not as if I've been feeling all that sad, and really, if anything, I've been hepped up on adrenaline and purpose, getting some stuff done, trying to make things looks pretty, but I pushed myself a little too hard without a break.
It was good to have Scott home, though, to have him come into the office after some dinner and feeling his arms go around me, warm and secure, giving me a much-needed pause from furious typing and problem-solving.
I am worn. Up until 4 again, slept until 11:30 AM, exhausted, sore, bright light in the windows, not enough. Not enough.
I made fudge last night. That felt like a nice accomplishment, especially considering as how it had nothing to do with the computer or the internet.
Lunch today was a cup of jasmine rice, boiled soft, but not too soft (just, not al dente. hate rice that's al dente), a can of tuna dumped over it, soy sauce as a flavoring. It's simple Poor Food, but it's good.
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no subject
Date: 2002-03-01 04:06 pm (UTC)