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Still gasping.
Even when you're prepared for life, and trying to be the best, most understanding person ever, there's still fallout. I have to remind myself that taking a blow right to the sternum means there will quite possibly be bruising, at the bone level. Metaphorically, of course. I am finding myself re-routing my thoughts and re-aligning many things I thought I knew, and it's starting to make me angry.
So when I opened the door to brilliant sunshine and absolutely perfect weather and my brother and his wife standing on the sidewalk smiling yesterday morning, I burst into tears, and I then I sort of laughed and hugged them, wishing I'd at least been able to say hello before weeping all suddenly like that.
But they were like a balm, and really the best thing that could've happened to me that day. They'd flown in for the holiday weekend on standby passes, and nearly didn't make it in. But they did. Rescued me from some self-imposed hell, I know that much. We went over to my uncle's tavern and had lunch there, and Ty plugged dollar bills into this bowling video game, where he beat me once, and then Brandy and I beat him a few times. He thought he was gonna be the hotshot, see, and even resorted to cheating at one point when he and I were tied, and I was the second player with one more frame to go. I still beat him. Heh.
It was out into the sunshine again, to head back to my place, grab some laundry, and head out to my mom's house. I got a load or two cycled through before Ro, Ty, Brandy and I headed out to Wildfire, which is Ty and Brandy's favorite restaurant, but also happens to be nonexistent in Texas. The timing worked out with my mom driving directly from a wedding reception in Oak Park that she was able to join us, and so we all got to have dinner together. It was the usual mix of silly conversation and Ro being sassy with the waitress, and then occasional moments of me wondering how the hell I had gotten deposited into bizarro world where nothing made sense, but I tried to keep a lid on it and eat my filet medallions in tiny bites and sip at my mango martini, making it last as long as possible.
I took this photo as my mom was moving stuff off the passenger seat so I could ride back with her to the house, and right after she said, "You are not normal Krystyn. You have all this quiet and sadness and you're not being you! What is wrong??" and it was so very sweet and not nagging-mom-like that I talked to her, and we drove smoothly along River Rd. and the sun lit everything up all golden and things still didn't really make sense, but I had lots of words. Ropes to grasp. For a few minutes I felt comforted in my own consistency and what I felt was a truthfulness that wasn't just about deciding things and defining my own limitations. I had a wall, that's all, one not of my own construction, so now it was time for me to look at it in stunned confusion. What was horizon in front of me was simply reflected back at me from the surface, horizon that was behind me, in the past, or simply imagined. Kinda like that bit in Time Bandits, you know? With the big mirror wall?
Anyway, I grabbed my laundry back at mom's house, and then Ty, Brandy and I headed downtown and drove around a bit, seeing the sparkling, bustling city at night. There were fireworks at Navy Pier. There were people all around. There was a curious bit of silence in my own head, where I'd normally be composing conversations that I suppose I don't get to have, any more.
For now, I need to get ready and drive out to the suburbs again, so I can hang out some more with my brother, etc.
So when I opened the door to brilliant sunshine and absolutely perfect weather and my brother and his wife standing on the sidewalk smiling yesterday morning, I burst into tears, and I then I sort of laughed and hugged them, wishing I'd at least been able to say hello before weeping all suddenly like that.
But they were like a balm, and really the best thing that could've happened to me that day. They'd flown in for the holiday weekend on standby passes, and nearly didn't make it in. But they did. Rescued me from some self-imposed hell, I know that much. We went over to my uncle's tavern and had lunch there, and Ty plugged dollar bills into this bowling video game, where he beat me once, and then Brandy and I beat him a few times. He thought he was gonna be the hotshot, see, and even resorted to cheating at one point when he and I were tied, and I was the second player with one more frame to go. I still beat him. Heh.
It was out into the sunshine again, to head back to my place, grab some laundry, and head out to my mom's house. I got a load or two cycled through before Ro, Ty, Brandy and I headed out to Wildfire, which is Ty and Brandy's favorite restaurant, but also happens to be nonexistent in Texas. The timing worked out with my mom driving directly from a wedding reception in Oak Park that she was able to join us, and so we all got to have dinner together. It was the usual mix of silly conversation and Ro being sassy with the waitress, and then occasional moments of me wondering how the hell I had gotten deposited into bizarro world where nothing made sense, but I tried to keep a lid on it and eat my filet medallions in tiny bites and sip at my mango martini, making it last as long as possible.
I took this photo as my mom was moving stuff off the passenger seat so I could ride back with her to the house, and right after she said, "You are not normal Krystyn. You have all this quiet and sadness and you're not being you! What is wrong??" and it was so very sweet and not nagging-mom-like that I talked to her, and we drove smoothly along River Rd. and the sun lit everything up all golden and things still didn't really make sense, but I had lots of words. Ropes to grasp. For a few minutes I felt comforted in my own consistency and what I felt was a truthfulness that wasn't just about deciding things and defining my own limitations. I had a wall, that's all, one not of my own construction, so now it was time for me to look at it in stunned confusion. What was horizon in front of me was simply reflected back at me from the surface, horizon that was behind me, in the past, or simply imagined. Kinda like that bit in Time Bandits, you know? With the big mirror wall?
Anyway, I grabbed my laundry back at mom's house, and then Ty, Brandy and I headed downtown and drove around a bit, seeing the sparkling, bustling city at night. There were fireworks at Navy Pier. There were people all around. There was a curious bit of silence in my own head, where I'd normally be composing conversations that I suppose I don't get to have, any more.
For now, I need to get ready and drive out to the suburbs again, so I can hang out some more with my brother, etc.
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Hopefully you won't be too long detoured by the wall. There's always the choice to take another route. You shouldn't let it dominate and ruin you or the scenery.
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Why are you self-imposing hell on yourself? :-(
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I am done with the hell. I was being an angstmonkey.
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Good. :-)
When I start my emo-girl band, I am so calling it "The Angstmonkeys."
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